All Standard Disclaimers Apply
by Lena Ban Obsidian
Summary: Ever get sick of those disclaimers everybody puts up? Or watched Monty Python? Yeah. This is nothing like that. X3


All Standard Disclaimers Apply  
Lena

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DISCLAIMER:: 

In a place called happy fun-fun land live the personalities of video game characters. This glorious paradise, filled with cheerful endings and endless imagination, is where characters while the hours away until called to participate in actitivities which one would legally desrcibe as their job. 

Activities vary; some are called to participate in video games, others in television shows or comic book adaptations. There are certain characters who are dragged into card games and others still who are put into novelizations of their own adventures. 

But by far, the most common of the various and sundry, lawfully-labeled-job-like activities, is participating in fanfiction. 

Meet Serge, the protagonist of the popular and yet obscure video game, Chrono Cross. Serge is seventeen and innocent (most claim), possessed of blue eyes and hair and the air of someone who is-- to put it most bluntly-- dead. 

(let it be noted here for the sake of the presumed lawyers who are clearly hunting down all authoresses of fanfiction and creators of fanart that the background story, description, name and overall, character 'Serge' does not belong to the authoress. nor does she claim to have created this character.) 

Throughout his adventures, Serge has done nothing more often than end up with his faithful female companion, Kid. As is clearly shown within the story of the video game from which both characters originate, Kid is attractive, ruthless, blond, blue-eyed, and likes Serge. 

(again: description, character, etc. property of other company than authoress'.) 

Because there is such evidence, all other female characters of the aforementioned (albeit briefly) video game are clearly unsuitable for Serge in any way except as friends. 

With the possible exception of Leena, who is the same age as Serge and from the same town, and therefore presumably understands him better than Kid, who is a recent acquaintance, and of Harle, who is clearly the most attractive and feminine of the characters in the game, proven by her French accent (completely irresistible, as all the stereotypes show) and scanty clothing. Harle also is a recent acquaintance, but possesses an air of mystery which neither Kid nor Leena can lay claim to, and this, surely, could intrigue Serge. 

Were he at all interested in the female populace. 

Alas, Serge is a completely asexual being who derives pleasure from Platonic relationships and fears the touch of any who would conquest him for sex, and so is most comfortable around Leena. Harle and Kid, who spend most of their time fighting over who should have rights to Serge's *ahem* (at the risk of being politically incorrect) manhood, both disturb Serge on equal levels, the one because she is in fact an ancient (or futuristic?) princess named Schala and the other because she is in fact, a dragon. 

And, of course, the whole 'recent acquaintance' problem factors in quite nicely here. 

As Serge is completely, without a doubt, uninterested in sexual matters of any kind, he is also not gay, and therefore none of the rest of the cast of the game (an impressive numbers of characters, mind) are gay, be they male, female, or even remotely concerned with Serge's adventures. Specifically, all of the Acacia Dragoons (another creation of the game, not meant to be stolen of course but merely referred to in a story about the game) are quite straight-- 

Serge: *smirk* 

Err, that is, stiff... 

Serge: *leer* 

Not to say...or...well... 

They are also not gay, because Serge is not gay, because someone in the world thinks that gayness is icky and infectious. 

Serge: ;_; 

And so, there are no relationships involving sexual matters of any kind in this story, because it would be an unfair infringement of copyright to use the ideas of this video game in an improper manner, as the authoress is quite certain that there are a great many lawyers (and if not lawyers, of course, nice men in white coats) who would be offended were they to somehow miraculously discover this pathetic spot of cyberspace and actually read this fanfiction. 

Y'know. 

'Cause lawyers do stuff like that. 

Anyway. As clearly stated (and repeatedly, just to make sure), none of the original ideas which are used in this fanfiction (which, by genre, is already quite clearly not based on my own original ideas, but that is quite beyond the point) are the original creation of the authoress. Now, let the story begin. 

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Serge was meditating in a karmic yoga position, one chilly midwinter morning, when his good companion Leena interrupted him anixiously. Frowning at her with a mix of puzzled bemusement and slight irritation, he tilted his head to one side, in the signal from his own personal complex form of sign language that meant, 'What is it, Wing-sister of the sea?' 

Smiling anxiously, Leena bowed her head in apology. "Listen, Serge, I know you're kind of busy, but you had mentioned something about wanting to see Glenn's dragon-taming classes and, well...he's training the kids right now!" 

Serge blinked, in the signal for 'Is this the truth, kin-of-my-heart?' Leena nodded. Serge's face became determined and a smile warmed his eyes, the signal meaning, 'Very well. May the seas bless your soul! I am off!' That said, he left his private room and headed out into the large field outside of the town chief's house. There, in an awed circle around a dragon, was a group of children. In the center stood the impressive, manly man of a man, Glenn, his beautiful yet sad scar seeming to shimmer in the sunlight, while his hair tossed about in a stray breeze. He looked...heroic. Brave. Strapping. 

A slight smile curved Serge's lips, which was the signal for 'sexy'. 

...but nobody knew that. 

"Ah, hello, Serge!" Said Glenn politely, wishing that his armor were not quite so tight. It was _so_ difficult to breathe in. "I was just about to show the children how to ride the dragon." 

'If you would permit me, oh shining God of Gold and Sapphire, I would gladly show you a different way to ride more interesting creatures,' Serge signed, with a quick wink and slight smile. Glenn politely blushed, for of all the people in the El Nido Archipelago, he was the only one fluent enough in Serge's ultra-complex sign-language to understand such phrases. 

That, and well, Serge was such a terrible flirt. 

It was that moment that-- 

~**SKREEECH!!!**~

The creators of Chrono Cross are sorry, but due to the lack of proper respect for the original ideas created by the original creators of the video game, Chrono Cross, this fanfiction may not be completed, as it displays violent tendencies towards creativity, humor, and even interpretation of events in a new and surprisingly refreshing manner. We will supplement the rest of this unsuitable fanfiction with something more properly to our tastes. That is all. 

--Serge pulled Kid to him roughly, but she liked it like that. "Kiss me, lover," he said passionately, and they suctioned to each other's faces for several long, heart-banging minutes, breaking apart only to breathe the sweet spring air. 

"Lovah," Kid said tenderly. "Marry me, or I'll kick your arse to the moons." They kissed again, and the sun began to rise on the far horizon, lighting the seemingly eternal darkness with the brilliant light of a new day. 

As they watched the sun rise, Serge answered her proposal as only a man could (suggestive wiggling of eyebrows goes here), knowing that they were finally safe from the Stereotype!BadGuy. 

~The End~

The set cleared, people returning home to their dayjobs or, for those less (or one could say more) fortunate, to happy fun-fun land. All was still and quiet for several minutes, and then two somewhat familiar figures poked their heads out of separate baskets, in which they appeared to have been hiding. 

"Ugh," Serge groaned. "I can't believe they didn't let me do my naughty look thing. I mean, geez, all I did was look at you!" 

Shrugging non-chalantly, Glenn slipped out of his plastic armor and stripped down to his street clothes, glad to be rid of the costume. "But in a more than platonic way. You know the rules. If you dare to go gay, then those lawyers fall on you like a pack of rabid dogs." He grinned wryly while Serge stripped down to his own casual clothing-- though some would have called it scandalous, and probably been right-- only to blush when the boy's eyes alit on him once more. 

"Right," answered his date dryly. "Like they really give a flying f--" Glenn clamped a hand over Serge's mouth; at first glaring, a little annoyed, the blue-haired boy stood silent, waiting for an explanation. 

"Can't be too careful," Glenn offered apologetically. "Wouldn't want to mess up while they're still watching." A nod of agreement and a devilish gleam were his answer; suddenly it became diffcult to keep his hand where it was. "S-serge!!" He gasped, dragging the other boy off the set. "If you're going to lick me, wait until we get back to my room-- 

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